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May 16, 2016

I am a Dreamer

by , in
For as long as I can rembember I have been a dreamer. I dream at night and wake up in the morning typically remembering my dream and when I can't usually some little reminder throughout the day spurs it back. It used to be that most my dreams felt like they came out of a fiction book with time travel, aliens,  secret agents, magic wands, ect. This may have something to do with my choice of books.

Lately my dreams have expressed the thoughts and concerns of my heart. A couple days ago I had a dream that my mom showed up on my door step wanting to make gobs and gobs of strawberry jam. In reality 14 hours is too long of a drive just for strawberry jam, but I do wish she could just surprise us with a visit like that.

The dream that brings me back to you. I was at some kind of quilting guild and they were preparing a group quilt to present at a national quilting show. I'm not sure if this sort of thing even exists, but it did in my dream. I was new to the club and didn't know anyone, but eagerly listened and observed. The leader was telling a story about how we needed to never abandon our projects. She referenced a blog that she had once been following and collaborating with when they suddenly disappeared. What would you know, the blog was called Shaffer Sisters. I raised my hand and admitted that I was one of those Shaffer Sisters. I tried to explain that often times we just overdid it and we finally hit a brick wall. In my dream I felt so determined to fix the blog and bring back, but the right way this time. When my little one awoke me to cuddle with me in bed, I felt that same resolve and tried to reason through it.

Here's a dose of honestly. It wasn't hard turning our back on the blog last year. We were at a breaking point. Scary had some very scary moments as her new little baby who should've been perfectly healthy struggled to breathe and thrive. Jo was raising 6 kids, working in a retirement home at nights, and growing a sweet baby inside her that didn't make it. I was dealing with fear from a fugitive break in, facing the prospect of life with my newly graduated husband which would involve moving far from my family. 

On top of all these things I think we were just tired. When I thought of the deadlines, I just wanted to make time disappear and watch my baby take her first steps. I wanted to treasure the last few visits with Scary without any stress or outside pressures. There's a reason we were sewing the Jalie Mens shirt on moving boxes. A big part of it was that I was becoming apathetic and bittter toward the blog. It had felt like blogging would be the death of us. 

When I was pregnant with Sally I remember a week where as soon as the kids were asleep I would get to work sewing until the early hours of sunlight were streaming through the window and I would pass out on the couch only to wake up mothering in a house of disaster. I am pretty sure I put on 8 lbs that week and had my midwife concerned. My only explaination was, I've been doing a LOT of sewing. 

At the end of the week I went to visit Scary and have the projects photographed. I remember as I was driving home that night nodding off multiple times and doing all I could to stay awake and make it home. The moment of salvation came in the form of a cup of ice from a fastfood resturant along the way. Not only was I putting my life on the line and that of others on the road, I was driving with 2 snoozing little ones in the back seat and one in my tummy. I know this wasn't the only time I over did it and drove super tired, but it was the moment my body couldn't take it any more.

But now after a much needed sabatical, I'm ready to tear down the wall brick by brick. Hopefully what is rebuilt is beautiful and the experiences that have been gained can be walking stones for the future. That the same mistakes aren't made again. At the moment it is going to be just one Shaffer Sister sharing real life thoughts and experiences. It's easy right now to sneak in a few moments on the computer as I'm working on lesson ideas for school.

My dream helped clarify my feelings. I still want to have a place where people can be encouraged and uplifted. And if no one reads at least it can be a place where I express the thoughs of my heart and on darker days I can be uplifted and remimded of dragons slayed. 

With Love,

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